I have this really bad habit of seeing films late. Well, it’s not necessarily bad, though it seems that everyone’s already seen the bloody thing by the time that I’ve finally subjected myself to the latest celluloid eyesore. This makes my opinions on the piece somewhat irrelevant in a culture that rapidly moves from topic to topic like everyone has suddenly contracted attention deficit disorder in good ole’ 2012, which may be a subconscious self-defense mechanism on my part after I was brutally martyred for daring to call Tim Burton’s Abortion in Wonderland a terrible film the day it came out instead of waiting six months to hate or forget it like everyone else because how dare anyone criticize Tim Burton, he was your childhood right?
I’m not bitter.
Anyway we’re not here to talk about his latest shitpile and frankly I’ve just avoided his movies for that purpose of self-defense and to avoid martyrdom in the name of good taste and all that isn’t bland Hot Topic fodder and talk about another film that might have been bland Hot Topic fodder had it been made in the 90′s! That’s right it’s Chernobyl Diaries! A movie where virtually nothing happens and then everyone dies! I hope I didn’t spoil it for you.
I usually don’t make it a habit of immediately going to write about a terrible film I’ve seen. That vindictive pleasure is usually reserved for the occasional tumblr rant only a few paragraphs long or some bitter, caustic tweets, but sometimes a film is just so unbelievably bad that it serves as the benchmark of things I want to say to modern horror filmmakers, because obviously pointing to a good movie and going “THIS” is only going to get a watered-down and piss-poor remake. Instead we’re left with holding up some sacred cow of awfulness and shrieking out, “WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T DO THIS!”
The film opens with its forgettable cast of characters laughing and making small talk. Apparently two of them are brothers and one wants to propose to his girlfriend and one is living in Russia while his friends have come to see him, and really that’s just about it as far as character development goes. There’s something to be said for a film that takes forty minutes to actually get into the main plot that absolutely fails to endear you in any way to its protagonists or to even actually tell a story or have any sort of actual character development.
One of the main flaws is something I see a lot in recent horror films is this pseudo-stylistic set-up that introduces us to the characters at the beginning by us watching them all laughing and partying with a handheld cam found-footage style. To be honest, I don’t understand why this is such a popular opening unless the directors couldn’t think of any interesting way to start their movie and just copy-pasted the same technique from another film. I really hate this opening because it doesn’t do anything at all. We see a couple of people being obnoxious and partying. That’s really all it is. It doesn’t make me like them, nor does it make me interested in finding out what happens to these people. It certainly doesn’t further the story along in any way!
Maybe it’s just because I’m secretly a bitter old man lurking in the husk of a 23 year-old body who hates everyone he meets and generally avoids these kinds of social gatherings, but seeing people at a party doesn’t make me think, “wow these people are fun I want to be with them.” It makes me think, “How much longer till I get to watch them brutally maimed?” You might think that’s a bit dark and sick, Mr. Filmmaker, but I assure you most hardcore horror fans will probably agree, and when people want your cast to die before we’ve even met them, you’re doing something wrong.
The best kinds of horror films are slow-moving in a good way, taking time to really get you emotionally invested in the film’s protagonists and drawing you in with masterful taut storytelling before finally delivering a killer payoff at the end. One of the best movies that does this is the terrifying Burnt Offerings, which has probably the scariest ending in a movie I’ve ever seen. We’re given time to grow attached to the family as people and characters. They have vibrant personalities and an interesting history.
Chernobyl Diaries, like so many other modern pieces of tripe instead gives us archetypes and then we’re basically just supposed to care about them because it’s the human thing to do, I don’t know. If the first twenty minute does anything it makes me dislike these bratty, privileged cunt-holes. All of them are conventionally attractive fairly privileged white people on vacation, and when I see them start behaving in rude and whiny ways all it does is make me want to shove their faces into a garbage disposal. It’s impossible to feel the slightest amount of empathy for these obnoxious cuntwaffles, and the wooden performances by the actors playing them only augments a bad situation.
The film meanders for at least another twenty minutes and there are a few badly set-up jumpscares you can see a mile away. Oh yes, and there’s a bear. A random CGI bear that rushes through a hallway once the characters finally get to the setting in Pripyat.
Predictability ensues and it’s obvious they’re not alone and that the tour guide has left them stranded. They are then attacked by dogs, mutants, and all sorts of things in what amounts to a thirty minute chase sequence with each getting picked off one by one. There are some unexplained encounters with the supernatural and then it ends.
What’s interesting is that for such a bad film it actually does one thing right in that it refuses to show much of the actual mutants or monsters harassing and stalking them throughout the film, relying more on atmosphere and tension buildup than CGI tom-foolery. It’s just unfortunate that the film fails in both of those aspects. The final half hour of the movie could have had the Scooby Doo theme song playing behind it for how comedic it nearly is with the characters screaming and running through halls.
There’s really no plot to speak of in this film. It’s essentially rich white brats get stuck in Pripyat, then mutants. End film.
It’s an unscary, poorly-written, poorly-acted mess. Possibly one of the worst films I’ve seen this year. That’s saying something considering I watched Lovely Molly a few weeks ago.
